The wants and needs in a D/s relationship should be pretty easy to describe. Someone has the need to be dominated and be submissive, the partner wants to dominate and have control. But it isn’t that simple. There are so many different kinds of D/s connections, from being solely sexual, to being a 24/7 structured relationship, from it being solely platonic to it involving total control. Even if you find the partner who could meet all your D/s needs, you also have to be able to communicate what you want. And there are a lot of odd topics that could come up, and so much learnt shame to overcome.
What I need in a D/s
I have talked about what I’d need from my partner, and specifically my Master, before. And also the frustrations that come with it. See, there is no perfect partner. Even in a D/s you might have needs that won’t be met. But I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing. Relationships are about compromise, but also about growth, as an individual and as a couple.
Does my Master meet all of my needs? I won’t lie. No, he doesn’t. But I had never expected that he would. All I wanted from a D/s is a feeling of safety and protection, and knowing that I have guidance. And he provides that. He gives me what I know I need from a D/s. And at the same time, I also have a romantic connection to him, I love his company, his intelligence and his humour. Those sort of connections are way more important to me than him meeting all of my submissive needs. I am a submissive, but first and foremost, I am a person, and as that, I have needs that many other vanilla people have in their relationships as well.
My submissive needs have a lot to do with that I feel like I am in a presence of someone who is my superior. And for that, I need consistency. I want someone to be consistently dominant, to always show me that I am the submissive. I need punishment, I need to be disciplined. But I also understand that it is unreasonable to expect those things. Everyone has a bad day sometimes, and a lot of times things in our lives need to be prioritized over a D/s connection. I get it.
What I get in my D/s
And in our relationship, it is near impossible for him to always be strictly dominant because I struggle too much with my mental and physical health. My Master also has issues with his confidence sometimes, and might not always be in the mood to put up with my brattiness. We need to be flexible and compromise. He will never get the perfect submissive in me, and I will never get the perfect Dominant in him. But I doubt that it has anything to do with our abilities to meet each other’s needs. Because in a perfect world, we’d be perfect for each other.
So what really keeps the spark alive, and what makes us see the potential and perfection in each other, are those moments when circumstances don’t affect us. When we are both doing okay, when our libidos are on the same level and when we have the time for each other. It is during those moments that everything flows, we play off each other and the D/s works great in the bedroom and even outside of it. But as he doesn’t always have the energy to put the effort in to dominate someone who is as complicated as me, and I tend to fight him when I am not in the mood, we just need to wing it other times. And you know, it works for us.
I really enjoy our D/s connection. We make it function as well as we can, and more often than not, we are both satisfied. And sometimes we are more than just satisfied, sometimes all of our needs are met. It is just a great feeling to know that you have the potential to be perfect for each other.
Asking for it
One thing I noticed lately is how difficult I still find it to express my needs. We communicate quite a lot with each other: about our relationship, sex and the D/s connection. I know that other couples have designated times to have those kinds of talks but we take them when we are both in a good enough place to have them. And during those conversations, I can reflect upon my needs, and don’t feel too hurt about feedback. But I can’t do it at all in situations when my needs could actually be met.
Support
My Master is a caretaker Dom and as such, he quite enjoys to support me. And I really need his support too. Without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, gosh, I might not even be alive anymore. But when I actually need help, when I am having a flashback, I am physically unwell, or I just really need a hug, I can’t express that to him. This is very much related to that I generally don’t reach out or ask for help in moments of distress. I hide, or dissociate, I become silent or try to deal with it myself. It is a strategy that I have used all my life and I seem to be having a difficult time to change it.
I have never really gotten any support or help that was good for me in the past. I am often too complicated of a case for professionals and friends have quickly become overwhelmed when I tried to reach out. So it just always seemed safer to take care of myself, or in reality, not care and hide and wait until it passes. There is also this one question that I really hate: What can I do to help you? – Well, there is nothing that anyone can do that will make a difference in the long run. Silly uncurable illnesses.
But I know that a hug from my Master, or just talking to him, does make me feel better in the moment and helps me get through the distress easier. So far I have been relying on him asking what’s going on, to observe me, to be able to tell when I am unwell. I really want to, and need to, learn to openly ask him to be there for me. But so far I have found it impossible to jump over the hurdle of my own helplessness and hopelessness. Despite me knowing his presence makes a huge difference for me.
Sex
Another area where I have difficulties asking for what I want or need, is sex. It has a lot to do with that as a submissive I am supposed to take what he gives me, not ask for what I want. I find it awkward to ask for certain positions, toys or play scenes. It just feels, I don’t know, weird. It is not like I want him to guess and read what would make me happy. I want to make him happy, and as a submissive my job is to serve his needs. And by doing so, my need for submission is definitely met.
I tend to forget that he actually loves to see that I am enjoying myself, or that he is able to push me into subspace deeper because he is doing something that does that for me. It feels selfish to ask for things in the bedroom or for play, as a submissive. I can reflect upon those things during our more serious conversations. But honestly, it would help way more if I were able to express my needs in the moment I feel those needs the strongest.
The other day, he pushed me really deep into subspace and gave me forced orgasms and tortured me. Eventually I just yelled out my needs, saying what I would want to happen right now, what I am imagining would be the most amazing thing to happen. He pushed me into a space where I said things that I otherwise would blush over. And believe me, afterwards, I felt shame running through me. But in that moment, it felt absolutely freeing to be able to let go, and just say those things. I didn’t even need to have those things happen to me, it just felt great to say them out loud.
I think everyone has needs that are not met in their relationship, D/s or not. It is important that we are not getting hung up on those and focus on what we actually get. I am happy in my relationship because we are both trying hard to make it work. I know that in a perfect world, it would be a perfect D/s connection. But I am accepting of that it can’t always be. And I am grateful for the times, we seem to be meeting each other’s needs just by going with the flow. I just hope that I will learn to express my needs more freely and eloquently, and let go of past disappointments, and shame. Because there really is no safer space to express needs for support and certain kinks than a consensual D/s relationship.
The post I tell you what I want – what I really really want. D/s, Needs and Wants appeared first on Deviant Succubus.
